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I believe in drug testing but I hate drug testing.

Posted By: Jason Burnell
Date: Sunday, 23 March 2008, at 10:38 p.m.

Hear me out. I acknowledge that testing is needed and required but man I hate doing it. I mean actually doing it.

As the meet winds down, I start testing. Each test takes about 15 minutes... but there is always that one guy who just can't make 60 mls of urine... so I've got to shadow his ass for the next hour. I could be packing up the equipment and getting ready for beer and pizza but no.... I've gotta watch him and the samples.

Then there is the tedium of saying the same things over and over "always make sure your labels and paperwork match." "Turn your head and cough."

"Yes, I know you'd rather be out getting your award but ......"

Then there is Frank Beeler. Every time Frank Beeler ups his American record I've got to watch him pee. Frank, I've seen enough of your private man parts. Seriously, if anything ever happens to Frank, Heaven forbid, they'd call me in to identify "the body."

And who doesn't love driving home with a cooler of urine riding shotgun. Or better yet racing to FedEx to drop it off the same day, just to see the guy turn the lock as I park. "Sorry, come back Monday."

"But I've got a car full of pee." (never use that and expect to be let in)

Then there's the "damned if you do and damned if you don't" area. Ok, my training partners lift in a meet that I put on. I pretty much have to test them even though I know
a) they are clean and
b) they are too stupid to beat a test if they tried

but if I don't test them, someone is going to say

" ohhh, Burnell didn't test his buddies. Whats up with that?"

It really doesn't matter because even if I do test them someone is still going to call me and say that USAPL drug testing isn't real.

Why? Because he saw someone drinking 3 red bulls in the warmup room.. and there was a ref there.

Seriously, this conversation actually took place. Someone called me to ##### at me about drug testing because he saw someone drinking red bull.

He was sure that red bull was full of banned substances - it gives you wings after all so there's got to be some DR Moreau stuff going on. When I told him to check the label and/or the web site for the ingredients he switched tactics.

He then told me that Scottie Too Hottie (The lifter not the wrestler)was dirty because he's just too damn strong. When I told him that I'd tested him myself and he passed he still wasn't convinced.

That's why 2008 is the year of Jason the selfish bastard. I'm not putting on any meets in 08, I'm not testing anyone and aside from helping Lance with the web site (which I should be working on right now) for Geezer Worlds, I'm focusing solely on numero uno - yeah the wife and the kids and the dog but numero quatro (me) is going to get some Jason love too.

To totally misquote Chief Joseph: from where the sun now stands, I will look at no one else's junk forever. At least for a year.

Because really, everyone needs a year off from looking at other peoples junk from time to time.

Can I get an Amen?


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